I Loved, I Let Go

It’s raining again. The sound of rain falling on the ground reminds me of a special day. The day we both got stuck in the shed as we waited for a vacant bus to arrive. It was the day you finally came up to me and talked to me. The silence was filled with our laughter as we go back to the memory of our childhood craziness. When the bus arrived, we were seated together and continue our long conversation on the way home. Before going inside of our own homes, we exchanged numbers. That moment started us. A moment that sparkled romance between two childhood friends who’s secretly crushing each other. But we’re not just childhood friends. At school, you are my big brother. You helped me be on the volleyball team, though we do not talk a lot. Even from afar, I watched you as you gently rub your palms in your lover’s face. Though it feels like a dart was shot through my heart, I was happy for you. Happy that you found your happiness.

Everyday we text and say our ‘goodnight’ to each other. You would casually meet me outside our porch and we go to school together. You bought me extra water for volleyball practice. You cheered for me on our games though I was never around when you run on track. One night, as I treated you a large fries in my favorite fast food, you confessed to me. Every word you spoke is a melody in my ears. The words I was dreaming that someday you will finally say to me. I cannot speak a single word as I freeze the moment in my head. The very moment you said “I should have loved you a long time ago. Will you give me that chance now?". As I was seated there in front of you,the only words that came out of my mind was “I wouldn’t mind giving you chances”. That night when you walked me in our front door, we held hands and you kissed my forehead. Before you leave, you whisper “Sweet dreams my love” and it made me shiver. It was the most magical moment in my life. If I am dreaming, I’d rather sleep forever.

You gave me purpose to go to school every day, though you know how much I hate getting up early. We tried keeping our relationship from the rest, but the truth always escapes us. Both our families are happy that we’re together. Even them are hoping we’ll end up too. Every day you make me happy, when I’m with you I always felt alive. But with every moment that we spend, a question is always popping in my head. Why did you and your ex broke up and why is she not around in school anymore? Though I don’t want to remind you of your past, it still bothers me. I know you are my property now, but I have a feeling inside that something’s not right. I know it’s wrong to think about it, but are you hiding something from me? We’ve been together for a couple of months, but you never gave me your passwords. You don’t allow me to wander in your phone. You asked me to never ask your friends any question from your past relationship. Now I’m really bothered. What’s wrong my love?

When I couldn’t help it anymore, I ask for your ex’s number from a friend. I asked your past how you two ended your beautiful romance and her answer broke my heart into pieces. You are still together. You just got a big fight after she said she’s leaving for migration. But after a month or two you realized you're still in love with her and will accept the challenge of being away from her to prove that your love is true. I wanna shout. I’m angry.

I’m broken.

I’m alone.

Why?

How?

The next day I never showed in school. I tried to avoid you but you’re always in my way. I ignore every single thought of you. I tried to hide from you. I tried to hide from the truth that what we had was not real.

“What is wrong with you? I have been looking for you since morning. Why are you ignoring me?” You suddenly went right up to me near the gate. I guessed I should just tell you what I discovered. And as the words came out of my mouth, the tears from my eyes followed. When I was done, it was your turn. You explained everything and I tried my best to listen though it hurts so much. You said that when you saw me in the shed, you knew I would comfort you. I could replace her. You knew that I would make you happy. You got really confused with your feelings that you tried to hide the truth from both of us. You said you love me. You said I made your life meaningful again. But it’s still not right. I replace her presence, but I never replace her in your heart. I am just a childhood sweetheart, but she is your forever happiness. You said you loved me but you loved her more. With tears, I left you and went home.

Now, as I lay in my bed, all I could think was you and all the temporary happiness you gave me. I could be mad at you, but I cannot. My love for you weighs more than the hatred I feel. As the rain continues to pour, I covered myself with my blanket and went to sleep. I closed my eyes, saying “I loved, I let go.”